Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
You Might Also Like
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
They got a point!
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.