I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
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Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
*jingles half the way*
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I hope this email finds you in a well
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*