To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
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Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not