Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
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20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.