After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
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Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.