“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
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I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
gentlemen, hear me out
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
kevin is now a local weatherman
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army