there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
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Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.