My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
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manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
an airline just for babies.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread