WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
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alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
huge if true: the moon
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…