Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
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Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
My Guy
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.