Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
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Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink