Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
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Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”