TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
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WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them