What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
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me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell