My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
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me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You