If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
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Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”