i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
You Might Also Like
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor