My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
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If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Happy Febuary everyone!
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft