A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
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If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Kids: Stay in school.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
For the ones in the back.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.