When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
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I鈥檝e decided today I鈥檓 following the lead of my 2 yr old and I鈥檓 just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It鈥檚 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I鈥檓 not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it鈥檚 3:75
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he鈥檚 falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don鈥檛 carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don鈥檛 undress the deceased
Meanwhile in Paris.. 馃檹
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I see in your bio you鈥檙e divorced and play the bagpipes. I鈥檓 going to venture a guess as to why you鈥檙e divorced
We鈥檝e all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Couch Potato: Do you think I鈥檓 fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you鈥檙e beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can鈥檛 see?
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwo驶ole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?