Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
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best review i’ve ever seen
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.