Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
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The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.