Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
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There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent