We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
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3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Best spoiler warning ever
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.