Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.