Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
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When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
The morning after pill, but for tweets
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
drew a comic about my origin story
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Siri: Retweet me.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed