Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
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I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.