Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
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Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
58.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I’m giving up ice.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba