babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
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Beauty and the Beast
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Check out the legs on this baby
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don鈥檛 work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90鈥檚
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 馃檨
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.