a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
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If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?