In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
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[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Going to church you guys need anything
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
mechanics be like
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.