When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?