Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
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Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Should I call tech support or pray or what
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Spring of Deception
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.