Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
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doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.