To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
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I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.