i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
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Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.