i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
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Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
wow he looks just like him
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
yall want some gasoline milk
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”