Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
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Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog