My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
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My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
#oldknees
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I’d love this…lol
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
All. The. Damn. Time.