[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
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Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Maths meets science