My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
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Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Alexa: *deep breath*
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.