Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
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Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
what does he know…
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
True
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!