I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
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So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.