I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
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Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.