Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
You Might Also Like
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
back to work
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office