The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
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REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Time heals everything 🙂
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Herpes is trending, good job people
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
choose your fighter
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage