ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
You Might Also Like
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.