Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
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[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot