I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
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British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.