Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
You Might Also Like
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
She: I like Cats
He:
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
getting old is fun
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
[adds another nod to the conversation]